Today it just hit me that I am really missing my little sister growing up while being away. I just saw some pictures of her that were taken today and comparing that to just a few months ago when I was home, she seems so much older! I didn't think 8 year olds could hit growth spurts like that in 3-4 months! She just looked much more mature and different and it's bothering me so much.

I haven't seen her since I got here since their webcam does not work and no one's had time to get a replacement so the change seems so sudden. My mom said she'd gotten taller, but I guess because changes in your face are so gradual that people you see every day don't notice.

She and I are about 16 years apart - I always knew there'd come a time where my brother (3 years younger than me) and I would be off living our lives and she'd be on her own. And for some reason I almost feel guilty. Like I should be there in her house to play with her and be bored with her, especially now that she's on summer vacation. Despite there being 4 other people in the house right now (parents, brother and my grandmother), she's just as alone since everyone is busy. They make time for her as best as they can, but it's so different from when my brother and I were little.

Back then we'd have each other to annoy and play with when we were bored and our parents had more time. But both my parents run their own businesses so there's always something to be done and their working hours can be all over the place. And my brother is moving out next month to start a Masters program in downtown Toronto.

By the time I'm done this program she'll be a little over 10 years old and I feel like she's growing up without me, other than on the phone. My brother and I have had such a big influence on each other's lives and I'm afraid we won't get to have the same bond with her.


This is not a whining fest about how unfair life is - I'm grateful for this opportunity for my life to be here to study, but sometimes I wish I had stayed home just for her sake.

(the picture on the top left is of my dad and sister at the beach when they came down here to Australia with me in May)

Labels: family

One of the more difficult parts of living so far from home is that you tend to think life will remain the same for everyone you've left behind.

I may just be a very selfish person for thinking it, but I may have harboured some hope that I could come home anytime, and nothing nor no one would have changed or moved on. As if life back home stood still in time waiting for my arrival to start-up again.

Alas, this egocentric fantasy gets tainted for me every time the slightest thing happens back home and I'm not around to see it first-hand. Silly things like when my dad bought a new car last month, or my brother getting a new Macbook (how am I going to mess around with it from here!?). Then there are things like life events of friends - engagements, marriages and babies.

I know what others have told me is true. I will see everyone soon and hopefully get to enjoy other moments in their life and I'm after a certain goal so it's just a sacrifice.

But then there are times, like today, when there is a death in the family and while everyone is grieving together at home, I feel like I've been stranded and have no shoulder to lean on other than over the phone. That's probably the most self-absorbed thing to think - how I cannot grieve like everyone else. Rather than think of what my family is going through I'm being selfish.
I was away this past weekend in Sydney, touring and having fun. When I got back this morning and called home, no one told me what happened because I'd been sick and was exhausted from the trip. So I rambled on about inane things and didn't pick up why everyone sounded 'off'. Later in the evening (at home) my mom called to tell me. By this time pretty much all of our relatives and friends had found out. Somehow I became one of the last.

The relative who passed away lived in India, somewhere I've been dying to go since my last trip was when I was about 6 years old. I remember right before my sister was born, some eight and a half years ago, I was thinking about how time was going by so quickly and all these relatives I had in India who I barely remembered but who talk about me as if I was right there. Heavy thoughts for a 16 year old. Since we don't have any family in Canada, and not the big of a family anywhere else, I hoped always to meet my paternal grandparents as well as my maternal grandmother's only sister and her family.

A few weeks before my sister was born, my paternal grandfather passed away. He was always someone my dad spoke so highly of and endlessly about. I had hoped I'd get the chance to hear stories from him about my dad's childhood and his own. When I heard of his death, I grieved for the grandfather I had missed meeting and all my missed chances. Still all about me...

Today my maternal grandmother's only sister passed away. And after hearing so many things from my grandmother about her, I was looking forward to a trip to India to meet her. I feel like I've missed something again. Like there are these gaps in my life that I'd been wanting to fill and now, never can.

I still cry today at moments when I miss my mom's brother - he passed away a month before I was born. He and my mom, being only a year apart, were very close. I rememberRuby saying in a post of hers awhile ago that you cannot miss what you don't know. I've struggled with that for a long time since being a kid. I thought it was weird for me to miss someone I never even had the chance to meet. But I think when I hear about how happy and excited he was to have heard he was going to be an uncle, I think of all the moments in my life he would have been around for.

For some reason I miss my uncle more than my maternal grandfather, who passed away when I was 2. My aunt (mom's only other sibling) says I was lucky since I was the only grandchild on their side to meet him. I don't think 'lucky' is a fit word though. Maybe I feel more attached to him for that reason though.

Regardless of all of this, I cannot get over the selfish thoughts floating in my head. I should be more concerned for everyone else in the family and how they are dealing with the loss in our family today. Instead I keep thinking about my loss.

Labels: family