Since about the time that I was in about the 6th grade all the way until the end of high school, I one step behind the other kids. More specifically, I felt light years behind the girls. Somehow all the girls I knew had older sisters and/or cousins who they learned all the cool things from. Be it about makeup, clothes, movies or high school social life (hey, I was a teenager - there was nothing else going on in my bubble other than these things), they always seem to have the upper hand. Maybe because they had someone at home to emulate, whereas I just had my little brother (no offense, bro).
I always envied this older sister thing everyone had - they seemed to know the rule of the world and how to live by it. Whereas I only found out what actually made Doc Martins genuine about two years after their popularity faded. They new about Beverly Hills: 90210 and Days of Our Lives what all the cool characters were upto that week, and I knew about Full House and Step by Step. They were always great at acting older, a feat we all wanted at that age. Maybe this is why I've always felt younger than I was - by the time I caught up to what I should have known at my age, I was already older. Since they had older sisters, they got to wear makeup sooner (to the guys out there, this is equivalent to being able to shave for the first time) and I still hold back when it comes time for occassions where it's required to dress up.
How important is it to have a role model? I don't remember ever having one at all even until now. I could say my mom - though she and I have such different personalities that I don't truthfully see myself emulating her, though I do admire all her amazing qualities. And I do think I try to pick up things from friends and incorporate their traits into my personality or habits (the best form of flattery right?). But there's never been that one person I look up to for everything.
Quite possible that is because I don't like asking for help. It's always a "I'll figure it out for myself" attitude for me. Whether it be trying to change lanes while driving (I'll try to find an open space before I try to signal and shoot pleading looks at the driver behind me to let me into the lane) or getting the help of a doctor (who'll just shoo me off with a prescription for antibiotics, I'm sure) no matter how sick I am, I just don't like asking for help. Unless I'm in a situation that's sucking me in like quicksand, I won't go to anyone. Mind you at times it just might be too late, but I'd just prefer it that way.
Yes, I realize I'm crazy but it's not like I'll seek help for it, so don't try and suggest it.
Friends - I'm losing it. I'm staring at my computer now for maybe - likely - the 100th hour...I've lost count. And my sanity.
It's exam time - first set of law school exams ever. And many others out there are facing exam time too. To them I say: may God help you in your most needy hour and make sure all that you study sticks in your brain cells, and that you not go blank when the sheer terror that is the "test paper" is placed face down on your desk.
To those basking in the glow of freedom: Don't talk to me or come near me until Dec 15th. I may involuntarily hurt you.
I know all the lovely people will encourage me by saying, "you'll do great! You'll pass with such high flying colours that trapeze artists will be asking for tips!"
But to them I say, HOW DO YOU KNOW!? How do you know I won't CRASH AND BURN!? What if I go blank!?!? What if my laptop, only 5 months old, CRASHES on me while writing my exam!?! What if I colour in all the little bubbles on the Scantron sheet!?
HOW. DO. YOU. KNOW.
Okay...I think I'm passing out due to self-inflicted panic....