I roll up to the US border, on my way back to school after spending the weekend at home, I fish around in my purse for my passport and visa documents:

Almost there. Where is that passport?? I thought I put it in this purese - ohmygod! Did I leave it back at ho-no wait, here it is. I need to get more organized. New resolution - get organized with important documents. Is in the next car picking his nose!? Buddy, there are dozens of cars around you will you watch it with that? Oh great, he's got Ontario plates. Now I can't even say it's an American thing. Way to make us proud, my friend. Why am I still here? I'm next, but I've been here forever - oh, it's been 1 minute. What is this that I'm listening to? How do I manage to get random songs on my iPod that I've never heard of? Oh wait, no time, the guy in front of me is leaving. Finally my turn. Okay, here we go, easy-peasy. Why would I think that phrase? I don't think I've ever said it out loud. The car still isn't moving, what's up? Well I have my answers ready - they always ask the same things. "Carrying any alcohol, firearms or food miss?" "Nope, nothing" followed by sweet, innocent smile. Works like a charm. COME ON BUDDY MOVE IT!! Ok there he goes. I wonder if I'll get that nice older guy I've had a couple times. He's always nice and chatty. Whoa, this dude doesn't seem nice...or chatty. Plan A, be the friendly one.

>"Hi, how are you?"

>>"Nationality?"

>"Uh, Canadian" I say handing over my documents. Okay, so he didn't reply, maybe he didn't hear you. It is pretty windy. That's it, the wind carried your voice.

>>"Where are you headed?"

>"Back to school, back to the books that whole grind, you know how it is." Play up the nonchalantness. Good job.

>>"Any alcohol, weapons or plants that you're bringing in?"

>"Nope, just clothes, no point in bringing in too much for the weekend right?" Okay, here comes the food question, be honest, lest you be caught lying. They have beef with bringing beef. Ha! Funny. Why doesn't he look happy while he's checking my papers?

>>"Uh huh" he says as he glances up from his computer with an eyebrow raised, "any grocery or food items?"

>"Well just a couple chicken things my mom made me. Can't get mom's cooking at school, right?" Stop talking, stop talking. For the love of God why are you talking so much!? "I was told it was okay to bring that in, thankfully huh? Otherwise I'd just have to somehow bring her in with me, ha ha...ha" SHUTUPSHUTUP.

>> "Yeah, open your trunk and unlock your back doors Miss."


Ah sh--. I'm in for a "random check" aren't I? I shouldn't have smiled so much. Or talked. I can't believe he -- seriously, who's downloading songs on my iPod without telling me...?!